Not sure if you are like me, but I have cleaning ADD. I find myself dusting some shelf and next thing I know - I am sitting down looking through photo albums. Or while cleaning the closet I find a stack of old notebooks - so I should look through them all ....right? Not only does this sidetracking suck up time and make the cleaning process take longer but it tends to send me through a spiraling detour down memory lane.
These cleaning detours have been happening to me since junior high and are really nothing new. However, as of late I have been moving around more and keep coming across things that will trigger floods of memories. In fact, I recently found a bag full of old notebooks and folders with letters. The notebooks were filled with poems I had written many, many years ago and were mostly about old boyfriends and friendships. Reading these now, I think of the girl who wrote those and what she was feeling at the time. I remember her slightly and reading her words brings me back to a different place and time, yet I do not relate to the words she wrote anymore. I am past that chapter of my life and so much time has gone by that those emotions are not as raw. But I do remember.
The folders I found had many random items but there were some old letters I had received from my Ex when we were in college. Of course I opened them up. I felt a wave of sadness roll into my chest and then lump into my throat as my eyes took it all in.... how sweet the words were and feelings behind them at the time they were put on paper. These letters were a little hard to read, emotionally speaking, but it came as more of a soft warm feeling. I didn't cry. Even as the heartfelt words were sending me to another place and time....no tears. Why I asked myself? Am I all cried out? Am I heartless or something? It occured to me that what happened to the high school memories is starting to happen here....now. The healing stage is in full affect.
The time and place mental transportation was in full force and all kinds of memories came back as I finished reading the letters. I remembered his smile and laugh and some silly things he would say. I am glad that I can be okay about us and remember who we were back then, five years ago, and even five months ago. I smile to myself fondly as I fold the letters up and put them back into the folder, that has now become a time capsule. "Another day" I tell myself. Not ready to toss them out.
I know I will encounter many pictures and items and places that remind me of him and our life together. These memories will come at random and over time be less and less. They are there as part of my past and I can dust them off , dust myself off, and fold the memories up into a corner of my mind.