With attending eight weddings in five months time, it has not only been a blast of adult beverages and YMCA moves but it has been a form of therapy for me actually. Each event was unique with different groups of family and friends however, each event made me look at things from my own wedding day and marriage experience. Of course unlike therapy, these weddings were not meant as an appointment with my feelings and the last thing I wanted was to have memories slapping me in the face while sitting/standing/or kneeling at someone else's big day. But it happened - how could it not.
I will admit, while attending these events, I had some random thoughts of people who knew I was divorced freaking out like I was going to be the cause of some sort of scene. Like maybe I would jump up and object to their vows, or have obnoxious bursts of tears, and maybe, just maybe, even be struck down as I entered the doors of a church. Once I got through the doors, and a ceremony without tears and shouting objections, I realized I was gonna be fine. I did have this overwhelming feeling that my failed marriage was seen as some sort of jinx on the happy couple. That is a hard feeling to have and I know it is in my head, mostly, but at the same time society is present at these events and society does think some pretty random thoughts of its own.
So, I couldn't help but be transported back to my own wedding from time to time. My big day was great! Fantastic weather and all the things you want your wedding day to be. Great friends, family, meaningful songs, blessings, toasts, and photos in your mind to last forever. I know exactly how happy the bride and groom are and I remember how truly excited our parents were for us. Those memories don't just disappear overnight and I don't think they should even. Dealing with the memories in such settings within the last few months was a small form of torture sometimes, no offense to anyone reading this if I attended your wedding, of course. The most difficult was knowing that I had felt strongly enough about someone to stand up and say I would be with them forever. I made a promise. Was I a liar?
The conclusion I came to, through these wedding therapy sessions with myself, was that I did not lie. I was in a place in my life where that was what I had wanted or thought I did. I was taking the next step in life and in that relationship. It was a great adventure and I know that neither one of us thought it would end. Instead of feeling like I represent the mortality of marriage to people, I have decided to embrace the fact that I represent ......just me. Yep - lil 'ol me and my life and my story. I know it freaks people out - I do. If divorce can happen to me, they wonder if it will happen to them too. Truth is you have a 50/50 chance because it will either work or it will not work. I still believe in marriage and loving someone so much that you want to grow old with them and hold their hand in yours more than anything else.
Marriage is a journey and not easy. Some days you will wake up and put your feet on the floor and have to remind yourself that you choose that person and some days will come more easily. I think that my lessons can be helpful and I know I am not a jinx. Even though I am a fan of marriage, you did not see me trying to catch the bouquet; been there - done that. It will take more than some flowers to get me there but love and possibly marriage will be tossed into my life when I least expect it.