Monday, October 12, 2009

Time Takes Time

With the snow fall this morning I can't help but realize that another season is upon me - ready or not. I am not. Of course a lot of people say that every year - I know. However, I was sad because Fall is my favorite time of year, with the higher 60 degree days, cool evenings, beautiful colors on the trees, and that one extra blanket on the bed. But did I blink and miss it all? Seems that the one season I looked forward to didn't happen as I had hoped and as my soul was craving.

This feeling like something was missed that I looked forward to made me think for a moment about some things going on in and around my life. I don't just mean that I was married and now I am not...blah..blah. I mean overall things that I had thought would happen in life that have not.

I have always wanted to travel more and to find a career or hobby that I am super passionate about. To feel that I make a difference on some level. To have felt that I made it - as an individual. The other part was the family, and it is difficult because I am further from that now in my life at an age where I am feeling I should have it or be closer at least. Like how I feel about this Fall season.... knowing a certain chapter is coming in your life, you blink and it is missed.

I was chatting with friends this weekend and how we realized that being in our 30s (early granted but 30s nonetheless) is not how we necessarily pictured it to be. Not being married, not having a family of our own, and not even being close to either of those things...some of us anyway. Some friends do own homes of their own and that is great. Some are dating and some are not. Some are just getting married and just thinking of kids. This season of our lives may not be how we pictured it but ready or not, it is what it is.

I am divorced, sharing custody of my dog, no kids, and I live back with my parents ... not what my 16 year old self woulda written in a Dear Diary type moment. Ahhh duh! I mean think back to when you were in high school or starting college and you thought that you would have the best career and fall in love and travel the world and have kids and a great house and money - why wouldn't you? I also remember when I was 19 thinking that people at 29 were really old. It seemed like such a foreign concept that I myself would be grown up like that someday and I thought I had all the time in the world to do all and have all.

Time. That is the thing that is said to heal all. Give it time. Take time. But what if it is time itself that is the cause of the angst? Did I blink too long? Did I miss my moment? Hmm....
I guess you really can't over think it all but I have wondered and I know my friends have had their moments of time questions too.

I may have missed the Fall season as I had hoped for but I am going to just take a breath and look onto the next thing around the corner. I am excited for the holidays approaching with all the fun festivities they bring. Decorating trees will be here soon enough. Some things you can always count on - like tax season....eek.

Days turn into nights and weeks into months and of course life is there with its twists and turns year after year. I have my extra blanket on my bed now and I am thinking to myself.... Only time will tell.

5 comments:

  1. D, I totally know how it feels to wonder where all the time went. To ponder how different you always imagined life would be by now. I'm approaching my 35th birthday!! WTF? That seemed ancient when I was young. But just keep exploring and spending time with great friends. You said that you have been looking for a career or hobby to be passionate about...what about writing? I think you write beautifully. Maybe that is your next great thing!

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  2. "But what if it is time itself that is the cause of the angst?"

    UH HUH. I know I'm married and have kids, but I feel this too. I think we all do, in different ways. How is it that I'm 34 and still feel so behind somehow? It just goes toooo fast.

    Another great post, lady.

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  3. I think you can have everything (as others would see)and still feel behind. Like you haven't done something that matters. It seems like it's feeling most people share. Finding new things to bring happines and meaning is hard...I read this on a church sign on the way home from where ever the other day...
    "Happiness is always where you find it, but rarely where you seek it." So, so true.
    But does that mean to be passive and let things find you, or actively seek what you want and then let it hit you from behind when you weren't looking for it.
    Wow... that was like a book. I meant to just say "hi"... nice to "meet" you.
    Stacey

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  4. I'm not the person I imaginied I'd be at 30. It's hard to be patient. But I'm not so sure I'll ever be "her". (my image of who I want to be). That's life....I think.

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  5. Oh D, I completely understand! I am 40 (gasp!) and never married. I used to wonder if I missed "him" or my "one true chance" or whatever and I think in some ways seeing the other happy families blogging with family pictures is heartwrenching, but as was said before, it is what it is and I love my daughter and I know that God has something planned for me, so I wait patiently, who knows what will happen in our lives in the future, but today it is beautiful and I am happy, I think my future husband would want that for me!

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